Karma
by kethkoth
Summary: Life is bad for Harry, it can only get better. No Slash because Slash Sucks and I am a completely Heterosexual Male and So is Harry! Super!Harry. Rating Just in Case. HarryTonks in the Future. Or HONKS if you will.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just like it, and JK Rowling is just nice enough to let me use it.

AN: This fic is Unbetaed, should anyone want to do have the position, e-mail me. If anyone wants to take the ideas from this fic or a copy of the prolog for there own fics, feel free, just give me credit.

Karma

When you do something good you are rewarded Karma points. If you are a good person and bad things happen to you, Karma points are awarded. If a good thing happens to a good person, their Karma is unaffected. When a good person does something bad however, their Karma will drop. Let me give you an example.

A boy's parents are killed by a psychopathic murder, definite Karma bonus. He is sent to his aunt and uncles house, who hate him. More Karma is awarded. He is then beaten, insulted, and treated like a slave for the next ten years. That's a huge Karma bonus. He is nice and polite to every one. Karma bonus. He inherits a boatload of gold, no change in Karma.

He goes to a school for the gifted. He then goes through a series of trials and then prevents the fore mentioned psychopath from gaining immortality. Another large Karma bonus. A servant of the enemy tries to protect him. No Karma change. Protections include stealing mail, trying to get him expelled from school, keeping him from getting to school, and hurling large metal balls at him. There's a Karma bonus. Everyone turns on him and proclaims he's a psychopath. Another Karma boost. He kills a snake one hundred times his size with a sword, in order to save a fellow class mate. Major Karma bonus.

He is attacked by soul suckers twice, a giant lizard, the psychopath twice, the psychopaths followers, a bunch of mutated fish, within the next three years. Colossal karma bonus. Oh and his godfathers murdered in front of his eyes. More Karma.

There are a few things you have to know about Karma. The Karma a wizard or witch accumulates before their sixteenth birthday is absorbed and assimilated into their bodies. It then manifests as gifts and talents, such as a skill in charms, greater muscle growth rate, or greater intelligence. You must remember that most people only have a few small Karma bonuses. The total is about one hundred Karma points. The example above, however, achieves that on a almost daily basis. So what happens when you have a hundred billion Karma points? Meet Harry Potter the Karmanator.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry was bored, bored to the point that he found the word walrus entertaining, bored to the point that he had began to come up with names for his future children (so far he had come up with Lily, James, Mia, Mara, Xizor, Xavier, dlanoR, and Beelzebub), so bored that he began to count the number of hairs on his right arm, so bored, well you get the point.

It was the summer after Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, the year he had christened "The year of Sucking." He had gotten over the death of Sirius by reasoning that it wasn't really his fault and that as long as he avenged his death, got laid, and pranked Hogwarts a dozen times, Sirius would be happy. So here he sat on his bed, on the eve of his birthday, waiting for the infamous clock to strike twelve so he could officially say he was sixteen, Wohoo!

'I am so bored' thought Harry. He watched the clock until it struck mid night. Then everything went black.

-----Scene Break of Utmost Importance-----

Harry opened his eyes slowly, and then quickly closed them, to ward off the bright light. He began to slowly sit up, when a voice to his left drew his attention.

"Oh goody goody goody! Finally a new one! Super just super!"

Harry quickly looked up to find an old man clapping his hands and bouncing on the balls of his feet. 'This guy looked a lot like a tall version of Professor Flitwick.' Harry thought.

"Where am I?" Harry asked.

"The Realm of Knowledge, of course." The man said excitedly. "Three Plaines below heaven, two above hell. Right between the Pencil Pushers and the idiots, that's yours, where all knowledge is found."

"Why am I here?" asked Harry, He was now officially confused.

"That would be, because the pencil pushers deemed you a worthy recipient of this gift. Must have taken an a lot of Karma points to get you here. I meen, the last person to come here was Budah." The man replied

"Karma points?"

"Yeah, Karma points. Like power points in a video game."

"I've never played video games."

"There's a Karma bonus. Well how about RPG's, ever played RPG's?

"No." Harry was even more confused now.

"There's another Karma bonus. Well then, think of them as money you can use for self improvement."

"Ok?"

"The Pencil Pushers check your karma points and give you talents, skills, and gifts accordingly. This is one of your gifts. Five years here."

"FIVE YEARS! I don't have five years! I have to get back. I have to save the world. Again." Harry yelled

"Oh don't worry." The man laughed. "All you are sacrificing is five seconds on the idiot plane and your appearance and that's only because we can't stop humans from aging."

"What about you?"

"Oh. Well I kind of got kicked out of heaven for sleeping with Gods daughter. But dang, was it worth it. But we have to get moving and get your gift going."

The man grabbed Harry's shoulders and pushed him into another room. The room was huge and filled with billions of shelves that were in turn filled billions of snitch-sized orbs. In the middle of the room was a chair that reminded Harry of a dentist's chair. Well, that is except for the three inch hole in the middle of the head rest but what ever.

The man led Harry to the chair and forced him to sit down. He then proceeded to strap Harry's arms and legs down with thick leather straps. He forced Harry's head back and strapped his head down. Harry was now panicing. Obviously.

The man smirked. "This may hurt a little." He then pressed a button and a twelve inch steel spike stabbed through the back of Harry's head and rammed its way through his fore head. Harry screamed. The man grabbed an orb off a shelf and put it in a hole in the arm of the chair.

Harry's Eye's snapped open and went blank. Ten seconds latter his eye's widened a bit.

Harry smiled. "I know Kung Fu."


	3. Chapter 3

The man, or the "Guardian of Knowledge" as he called himself, was amazed. He had never seen someone, completely own the chair so thoroughly. It had been almost Five years sense Harry had been brought here, and it had been five years sense he had sat down. The boy was insane. That's why he was running, with a 5 gallon bucket, to the very very very back of the archives so he could grab the very last of the info orbs, for assimilation. Once this last batch was gone, Harry was going to have absolutely every smidgen of knowledge about his plain of existence.

As he got back to the chair Harry started smiling.

"Is that the last of them?" Harry sounded really excited.

"Yeah, you beat Buddha by about Two Years."

"Really?"

"Yeah, That skinny kid was really good." That blew Harry's mind. 'Wait. Skinny?'

"Skinny?"

"Yeah, then he had the rest of his Karma points spent on Women, Seven of them, and they spoiled him rotten, got him so fat. He died of a massive Heart Attack, but he was lucky, he died during sex. What a lucky little creep." The man poured the bucket into a funnel, connected to the armrest. Harry's eyes went blank for a moment and then the biggest grin in the History of the world broke out on his face.

"The Karma Sutra! Who in their right mind would put the Karma Sutra in the back? It should be in front. It has to be the most important thing I've learned the whole time I've been here. Well except all those books on Sex magic, that was by far the most important."

"That was the most important? What about the one on lost magiks or what about the one on small engine repair?"

"Yes! Do you know what kind of crazy things you can do with a feather? Its amazing! I absolutely LOVE feathers!"

"Your right, that info orb, probably is the most important one here."

"Wait! Does this mean I'm done?" Harry was beginning to really get excited now. The man nodded, which caused Harry's smile to grow wider.

The man moved towards the chair and started fooling around with something on the back of the chair. The giant silver spike pulled out of Harry's head with a slurping sound and then a click. Where the spike was, there was no gapping hole and no blood. In its placed, there was however, a scar. A **LIGHTNING BOLT** scar!

"That's got to give the kid another Karma Bonus." The man muttered, as he undid the leather straps holding Harry in place.

"What was that?" Harry asked, as he rubbed his wrist. Five years with your wrists and ankles strapped down can give you really bad cramps. And Hungry. Very Hungry.

"Now that were done here the paper pushers want to beam you up, so that they can give you a test and give you your Possible Powers Grade."

"Possible Powers Grade? How come I don't know what a Possible Powers Grade is? I thought I was supposed to have Knowledge on everything."

"On your plane of existence. All the Info Orbs are just books. You only know everything that has been or was written in books, or was recorded."

"Oh, well I guess you take what you can get. Now you said some thing about getting beamed up?

"Yeah. Well this is Good-bye. It was nice meeting you." The man looked up and said in a clear voice. "Beam him up Scotty." And with a flash of light, Harry Potter Disappeared.

-----Scene Break-----

Harry fell to the ground and looked at the shinny metal floor below him. He saw his reflection. He thought he looked really pale and he had grown, he looked more mature for sure. The funny thing was that his hair hadn't grown any.

'That's funny? Why hasn't my hair grown? Its been Five years.' Harry glanced at his bangs. 'That's weird, what's that there?' He flipped up his bangs.

"**YOU HAVE TO BE FRELLING KIDDING ME!"**

AN: Most of the chapters are going to be short for a while. From now on I will probably only be posting on weekends. Any ideas or Requests would be appreciated because I only have a rough plot planned and I could use the help. Thanks.

Koth Out 


	4. Chapter 4

Two scars, Two **Lightning Bolt **scars. One over his right eyebrow and one right smack dab in the middle of his forehead.

"Fate hates me, she really hates me." Harry pushed himself off of the floor and looked around. Then he noticed the absolutely drop dead, gorgeous women standing there in an opening in the wall.

"Oh I don't hate you Harry, I'm just a little mean some times but your lucks going to change. You see the only thing that can change ones luck, is their Karma. Luck favorers the prepared and I'm here to give you tools to prepare your self with. So down to business. First I'm going to give you a personality test and that will show you what skills, talents, and gifts you can get, maybe even a power increase." She paused, looking at a clipboard that 'poofed'into her hands. She tapped the wall next to her and a helmet dropped out of the ceiling.

The helmet was covered with wires and had little tubes poking out of it. Fate grabbed it and strapped it on to his head. Then there was pain lots and lots of pain. Then the helmet exploded. Fate looked shocked she dived for cover, dodging hunks of metal that were flying all over the place. Harry felt a searing pain on his forehead. He reached up and found a bit of blood a above his left eye brow. He looked at the floor at his reflection and saw another scar. It was thin and jagged and bore a striking resemblance to a bolt of lightning.

He turned to fate, who was sitting on the ground smiling. Then she giggled. "I really couldn't help myself. Bye Harry I'll give you some good gifts, don't worry, and goodbye Harry."

In a flash of light Harry Potter returned to his bedroom at Number Four Privet Drive after celebrating his sixteenth/ twenty-first birthday. He fell in bed and fell asleep thinking that fat was mean but at least a little caring. 'Maybe things are looking up.' Was the last thought that reached his mind before he slipped off into oblivion.

AN: Just a Quick chapter to get Harry into the real story.

Koth Out


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Harry stirred out of sleep. Something just wasn't right. He glanced at the clock. 2:06, so it was still night. The hair on the back of his neck was standing up and his Spider sense was going haywire. He felt drawn to the window, so he got up and looked out of it.

There standing across the street were four cloaked figures standing around a women with long blond hair. They pushed her to the ground and laughed. They all wore white masks and black robes so he knew there was going to be trouble. He narrowed his eyes and cloths began to grow onto his body from the floor. As he watched one of them turned towards the house.

**"POTTER!"** one of them yelled.** "Look at what happens to all those around you!"**

The death eater turned his wand towards her form lying on the ground. There was a quite "Poof" and a cloud of smoke billowed around a dark form on the lawn of number four privet drive. The death eaters turned towards the lone figure, wands drawn. The figure stood there, black as night. A fedora pulled low shielding his face and casting it in shadow. A dark leather trench coat hung open revealing a black tee shirt and dark pants underneath. His black combat boots shined with an almost unnatural glow.

He spread his hands at chest height, palms facing each other. They began to glow softly with a slightly blue light.

"Who are you to challenge us? A death eater asked, arrogance oozing out of his tone, a smirk on his lips.

"The End" The shadowy figure dropped his hands to his sides, palms facing the death eaters, fingers spread wide. Lightning arced out of his fingertips and hit two of the men. He then lifted his hands towards the sky and the men's' convulsing bodies flew up into the night sky, sparking with energy sporadically. 

The remaining two death eaters, eye's opened in shock and terror ran in opposite directions. Two bolts of lightning flowed out towards them, this time coming out of his palms. They hit both of the fleeing figures with deadly accuracy, vaporizing them on the spot.

The man s hands fell to his sides as he looked around, searching for any signs of trouble. There was none. He made his way towards the women. Her eye's looked up at him in shock and awe.

He recognized her, he hadn't ever seen her before but he could tell he knew her. Then it clicked.

"Tonks? How are you this fine evening? Pleasant night for a walk isn't it? Or whatever type of exercise you prefer."

"Who are you?" She whispered quietly.

"Tonks, I'm hurt you don't recognize me. We saw each other two months ago at the train station."

"Harry? Damn! Did you grow this summer. Look at you are the human embodiment of the word sexy. You have tall dark and handsome down to a tee."

"And you don't look to bad yourself." Replied Harry with a smile. He offered his hand to her and pulled her off the ground. "Come on lets go get you cleaned up." And they walked towards the house.

-----Mean while in Voldamort's Evil-Lair of Evilness-----

"E-5"

"Miss. F-10"

"Damn it! You sunk my battle ship! Wormtail! **Crucio!**"


	6. Chapter 6

They walked into Harry's bedroom, and sat on the bed.

"Harry? What was that out there? How did you do that? And what does your shirt say?" Tonks asked quickly, and all in one breathe.

"Firstly, Yes I'm Harry. Secondly, Magic or more specifically twisted and sopped up versions of the spell used to get the static charge off of socks. Thirdly, Magic. And Fourthly, What?" Harry replied, in five breathes mind you.

"Your shirt. Let me read it. It says _'Power boost: 5000 points, Wandless Skills: 500 points, Perfect Body: 500 points, saving the hot chick: Priceless.' _What is that supposed to mean?"

While Tonks was reading his shirt Harry took the time to admire her chest. And by Admire her chest I mean read her shirt. 'She has the hots for you: 10 points, She wants you right now: 10 points, Fates help: 10 points, getting a hot girlfriend: Priceless.' Harry read, eye's opening wide in surprise.

"Tonks, What's on your shirt?" She looked down at her shirt.

"Oh, I got a mustered stain on my favorite pink blouse. Crap! But anyway what happened to you? You look like you're my age." Tonks gave him a questioning look.

"Tonks, when did you realize you were a metemorphmagi?"

"Around my Sixteenth birthday and don't change the topic."

"Well on my sixteenth birthday, some guy pulled me on to a parallel plane of existence and gave me an extra Five years to study for the upcoming conflict with MoldieShorts."

"Oh. Well then. That would explain the maturing of your body and probably of your mind and magic as well. Wait! That would make you Twenty-One right? So there is nothing preventing me from doing this."

'God She excepted that fast.'

Tonks grabbed the side of Harry's head and kissed him forcefully. And like any red blood British boy he was shocked for a moment before responded in kind. She pushed him back onto the bed never breaking the kiss. She slowly moved her hands down his chest. As he moved his hands to her perfect ass it started to talk.

"Tonks? Tonks, are you there? We have a really big problem." The voice of Albus Dumbldore came out of Tonk's rear.

She reached down to her pocket and pulled out a golden medallion with a Phoenix engraved into it.

"Albus I'm here, what's the problem?" She said into the medallion, finger pressing in on the engraving.

"Voldemort has mounted a large scale attack on the Yorkshire area, no death eaters, no dementors, just infiri. Deal with as many as you can. We can't do any thing until the house unseals itself. It seams that only the new lord black can unseal it. Good Luck." The transmission ended and Tonks turned to Harry.

"What do we do?" She looked at him her face desperate.

"**Pack**" All Harry's stuff flew into Harry's trunk. He shrunk it and slipped it into his pocket. "We go help." Harry grabbed her hand and silently disappeared.


	7. Chapter 7

And they lived happily ever after. The End.


	8. Chapter 8

And Then…

They appeared in a scene of utter chaos. They were some where near Yorkshire and there were people running everywhere. The reanimated dead following after them with what looked like a limp, arms stretched out and mouths open, moaning. There gray skin slowly rotting off. They were everywhere, hundreds if not thousands of them.

Harry's cloths slowly morphed from the black trench coat ensemble to some thing else. He had on Black work shoes, Black dress pants, a white short-sleeve button up dress shirt with a red ink stain on the pocket, and a red tie. His appearance had also changed. His hair was now short, spiky and red.

Tonk's appearance had also changed. She now had wavy, shoulder length dirty-blond hair. She also had a button up denim shirt on and khakis.

"Come on!" Harry waved Tonks forward. "Ed lives this way."

"Who's Ed?"

"A Guy I've known for years." Harry Replied.

"OK!"

'God, She's excepting.'

They came upon a big manner while dodging zomb… I mean infiri. It had a huge iron gate with an L on it. The coat of arms on the wall had the rear of a busty female centaur sticking out with a fancy L tattooed on it. The Centaur had a really seductive look on its face that Harry found quite creepy. It was at that moment that Neville came out.

"Hey Harry, pleasant night were having." Neville said cheerfully.

"Yes it is Ed." Harry replied. "Hey Ed what's that over there?"

Neville turned around and Harry cast a cutting charm that shaved of a patch of hair on the back of Neville's head. Neville turned around like nothing happened.

"Ed, Do you have a shed?" Harry asked.

"Yes." Neville replied slowly.

"Let's go!" Harry cried. They ran to the shed. Neville opened it and they went inside. They rummaged around, looking for weapon's to fight the infiri with. Neville grabbed a green shovel and Tonks grabbed an Ax. Harry kept looking until he found what he was looking for.

He held above his head the perfect infiri slaying weapon. A wind picked up blowing around him and a ray of light came down from the heaven's illuminating him making for a very cinematic moment. He held above his head, **_A Cricket Bat_**.

The trio ran out of the shed onto the lawn where a few infiri were making there way towards them.

"Harry, why aren't we attacking them with spells?" Tonk's asked.

"They're magic proof." He responded.

"No they aren't." She stated as she cut one's arm off with a cutting charm.

Harry glared, drawing his wand. He turned it into a overly gaudy and jeweled staff and slammed the ground. A bright blue shock wave came out in every direction making the infiri glow blue for a second before going back to normal.

"Now they are. Happy?" He asked sarcastically.

"Yes!" She replied happily.

The trio ran forward wielding there weapons of mass destruction. Harry knocked the head off one. Tonks cut another in half. Neville started digging a hole for no apparent reason. They fought there way into to town, where the real hoard was.

"There are to many of them!" Tonk's yelled, beating one away with her ax.

"Let's go hide in that bar over there." Neville said pointing over at a bar called, **_The Winchester_**.

They hid in the bar for a while but eventually the infiri began coming inside. Harry conjured up a shot gun and began blasting the corpses to kingdom come. Neville mixed up a Molotov cocktail and set most of them on fire. Fifteen minutes later all the infiri were dead again. Harry looked over at Neville, looking at his arm he almost cried.

"Ed you've been bit." Harry looked at his friend desperately.

"I'm sorry Shaun."

"No, it's al right." Harry said with tears in his eyes.

"No, Shaun. I'm SORRY."

Harry scrunched up his nose, a look of revulsion on his face.

"Oh, Oh Ed. That's not funny."

"Then why are you laughing."

"I'm not laughing."

Tonk's looked over at them in disgust. "Honestly!" She cried in frustration waving her wand over the wound making it repair itself. All three of them got up and walked out of the bar, heading for home.

-----In Voldamort's Secret lair of Uncoolosity-----

Voldamort sat on his thrown pondering the meaning of life when he heard a hissing noise. A thirty-foot basilisk came in, sniffing. Voldamort's eyebrows rose in surprise.

"_Nina?" _He asked in shock.

"_How could you Tom?"_ She asked in a sad voice.

"_Do what?"_

"_How could you leave me like that? You never returned my calls, you never wrote. You said you loved me. What was it? Was it just pillow talk? Were you just trying to get into my pants?"_

"_I do love you and would never do that to?" _Voldamort replied. Just then Nigini slithered in. The basilisk glared and Voldamort looked frightened. _"It's now what it looks like."_ He stuttered out.

"_You cheating, good for nothing bastard!"_ She cried in rage. She opened her maw and ate him. Voldamort's spirit flew out but she just glared at it and it exploded, thus ending his pitiful life.

"_I'm sorry, I didn't know." _Nigini said to Nina. Then they slithered away together, discussing how pitiful Voldamort was in the sack.


	9. Chapter 9

Guest chapter: Harry Potter and 'Alchemy for Dummies'

**From the pen (or fingers as it were) of Aegis Crow, the reflective one with wings of ash.**

Shuffling into the room, slowly, the figure moaned- stretching his arms foreword as the nonexistent camera panned up to reveal Harry yawning much like a zombie.

Walking to the couch, he sat next to Tonks and looked at the TV report about the zomb-feri attacks.

"So what's the plan for today, Harry?"

"I dunno, maybe you'll screw my brains out?"

"Aha, how adventurous?"

Tonks got up, and walked into the kitchen. Poking her head back in she asked. "I'm making some tea, would you like any?"

"Sounds wonderful"

"Do you want any sugar in it?"

Harry hesitated. He was about to say something dull like 'two lumps, please' but suddenly he was hit by an inspiration.

"Baby, you're all the sugar I need"

Tonks smiled gingerly, blushing and looking down as she brushed some of her still dirty-blonde hair behind her ear. "Aw, that's so sweet of you to say, Harry…"

Snapping her a smirk, he popped up his eyebrows and replied, "No baby- _you're_ the sweet one."

Tonks blushed a bit more and popped back into the living room and gave Harry a strong kiss and lovingly ran her fingers through his hair once before she went back to making the tea.

Harry saw an image in the coffee table, the bodacious form of the babe fate mouthing the words "you owe me…"

"I'm gonna go to the garden for a bit hon' " Harry stated nonchalantly before he went out.

As he opened the door to Neville's shed, (why he had been staying at Neville's house for so long was beyond anybody, but nobody bothered to say anything because Harry's the main character and anybody else is "expendable"… or something like that…) but anyways, Neville was sitting on a rough bench playing video games in shackles.

"Hello Harry… can I maybe eat today?"

"Oh my goodness!" said Harry "it thinks it can talk!"

"I'm… I'm not a Zombie Harry, the bite's been healed up for a week…"

"Quiet, Reginald!"

"But my name is Neville!"

"Not as long as you're a zombie!"

Suddenly, the guardian of knowledge poofed into the room and stabbed Harry in the back of the head.

"AAH! What the? Why are you? HEY!"

Wiping the blood off of his hands, the guardian pulled the spike out. "Well, you have a crap-load of points left over that we kinda accepted with a rain check of future knowledge inserts. A new book just got published and… well, here I am."

"So this is going to happen whenever a new book is published…?"

"Uh… would you hate me if I had to say yes?"

"Note to self… must destroy world literacy…"

Neville had long since fainted from the sight of blood, and as the Guardian of Knowledge poofed out abruptly, Harry decided to recall this new knowledge.

"Hmm… Alchemy for Dummies…?"

A grin spread across his face.

"How to be a master alchemist in easy steps, eh?"

Harry scratched his chin.

"Step one. Your father, an alchemist, has to go missing. Well… my dad's dead, that's close enough to missing, and maybe if I SAY he's an alchemist and believe it really, really hard then it won't matter…

"Step two. Your mother has to die. Okay… done. Let's see…

"Step three. Perform a dangerous ritual that's far too complex for your skill level in an attempt to bring your mother back. You need exactly two people- on will lose an arm and a leg out of this ridiculous deal and the other will lose his body… Neville, wake up!"

sputtering, Neville slowly came to his senses.

"I'm sorry Harry…"

"it isn't a problem Neville, anybody could faint at the sight of blood…"

"no, I'm **_sorry_** Harry…"

assaulted by the horrendous odor, Harry clasped his nose. "oh, oh my god that is just plain rotten!"

"I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!"

"I'm not laughing!"

as they gradually calmed down, Harry got right to business. "Neville, I need your help for a very important ritual. All I need you to do is help me draw a circle- a rather fancy circle- and then put the proper ingredients in the middle. Can you do that for me?"

"well yeah Harry, sounds easy enough"

"good, now write this down-"

what followed was a lengthy list of all of the elements included in the human body. While Neville went about finding all of the elements in proper quantities, Harry decided to redecorate the garage with a coincidentally spiffy armor on a whim. After they drew the circle, pouring the powders and liquids together in a heaping mess of funny smelling muck, Harry pulled out a dagger and cut open his palm. "Neville, in order to gain anything, mankind must first give up something of equal or greater value." Squeezing his hand, he poured the drops of blood onto the mess. "I think that this is enough blood for my mum's soul give or take…"

putting his hands down on the edge of the circle, Harry gave Neville a look that implied that he was to do likewise. Focusing their energies, they lit the circle with magical power and the elemental sludge began to glow and change shape, but a void appeared, dissolving harry's right arm and Neville's entire body. Slashing his leg off, harry used it in a transmutation to save neville's spirit in the spiffy armor.

When the light had faded, harry gazed upon his bulbous, pulsating creation in horror as it groaned with the agony of its own existance. Mentally flipping back in the book he realized the folly of his ways.

'this ritual is, by its very nature, doomed to failure, and may end up summoning the dreaded… Rosie O'donnel…'

"my god Neville… look what we've done…"

as tinny sobs of horror rang out from the hollow mass of the Neville-armor, it raised its powerful fist and slammed it into the squishy mess of the beast, bringing an end to its pitiful existence.

At the sound of the commotion, Tonks ran in. her hair was lighter, longer, and straighter, and she was wearing a sky blue bandana.

"oh my god harry! Check out this cybernetic arm and leg that I found in the kitchen! It's amazing what you'll find when you clean!"

she attatched the limbs to the convenient stubbs on Harry's body. He, of course, screamed in agony, but Tonks can sometimes be a freak like that in bed, so she didn't care.

Harry used this time to read further in the book. 'step four- go to an academy for spiffy magical training stuff… … … okay… check… or at least I _think_ that hogwarts counts…'

'anyways, step five- yada-yada-yada, step six- blah-blah-blah, step seven… nobody cares… uh, finally step thirty- use the philosopher's stone to regrow your arm and your buddy's body, then get teleported to pre world-war-two germany where you have no powers… how about we skip that last part, eh?'

gradually making his way to Nicholas Flemel's house, (although as a bit o an alchemy buff I must interject that Flemmel never made the philosopher's stone- nobody has- he's just the only documented alchemist to have 'turned lead into gold'), Harry used his spiffy arm of spiffiness and Nevell's awesome metal body to beat the secret of the stone out of him and use it to turn themselves back into normal.

"well that was a waste of time," said Harry "we're right back where we started…"

"yeah," responded Neville, "it's like we're in a chapter of a book that was written for no reason at all and has no consequence to the outcome of the parody at large…"

Harry could only stare at Neville with eyebrow raised and say "what the frell have you been smoking…?"


End file.
